


Decretum (I was stupid...so stupid)

by aanau



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Anime References, Corrupted Steven Universe, Gen, Puella Magi Madoka Magica References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:00:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21785596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanau/pseuds/aanau
Summary: steven turns into a monster (bluray english dub)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 120





	Decretum (I was stupid...so stupid)

**Author's Note:**

> referencing THAT iconic scene from madoka magica cause i live for the melodrama of that anime and haven’t seen a reference in this fandom to it since season 1 when it was revealed gems turn into monsters. play “decretum” when steven reveals his gem for the dramatique atmospheric effect

Connie warps in on Lion. She takes in the scene. The forest outside of Beach City. A running dondai with its lights still on, the hum of the engine, the light casting shadows of the trees in front of it.

The long shadows resembling prison bars containing a teenager resting against one of the trees, light casting him in a faint outline against a dark background. 

Connie sits next to him, blocking out the only light on him. 

“There you are,” she says. “Everyone was wondering where you were.”

He was gone all day and no one knew where he was. As the hours ticked by and his car never returned, people started to worry. 

When they gave Connie a call, she said it was no trouble; she’d just hop on Lion who spent half of his time with her nowadays. He’d bring her to wherever Steven had run off to.

Of course she was worried, too. It’s not like Steven to go off on his own without telling anyone and then be gone all day, not answering his phone.

But she talked herself into staying calm. 

Even if Steven has been saying some troubling things lately. Things that were big red flags to the state of his mental health. Things that made her certain he needed to get some professional help with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. With some worrying signs of possible psychosis with some of the paranoid delusions he’d been having.

Yeah, so she was worried. But panicking wouldn’t help him. So she just kept her composure talking on the phone over speaker to four stressed guardians. 

Now she was here, and for a second she was relieved. There was no problem. Steven was here, safe, nothing wrong at all.

But when she sat next to him, her stomach knotted. Something was off. 

“Sorry for troubling you,” he responds, devoid of all emotion. Without looking up at her once as she approaches and claims her spot.

His face remains drenched in shadows. Only the light of the waning moon glowing on his curly dark brown hair, his face still obscured.

“Oh, stop,” Connie waves her hand, “It’s no trouble.”

Steven makes a contemplative noise and grips the fabric over his gem, something she knew he did when feeling anxious. But his demeanor is incredibly relaxed. 

No, not relaxed. Something else.

“What’s wrong?”

“Hm,” Steven starts, “What isn’t wrong? I don’t—I can’t really…”

He sighs. 

“I can’t really remember...what I’m doing. I thought I was fixing everything but lately I’m just making things worse. I always make things worse.”

His words come out slow and forced, his voice quiet and broken. He’s struggling to find the right words, the will to speak. He barely seems to know what he’s saying, which would explain why he’s saying any of this at all. Since lately he never opened up about any insecure or vulnerable feeling to anyone.

Connie puts a hand on his shoulder. His words shook her, but she was actually more so relieved he was actually talking about it. He was so emotionally distant lately. 

She knew he has PTSD. She told him she was sure he does. He had just went  _ huh _ and said it explained a lot, and then directed the conversation back to her life. 

She recounted the books and articles she read about therapeutic communication. She knew she’d never be a natural at it like Steven, which is why she wanted to have the knowledge under her belt so she could do her best to help him. Like he always helped others.

“That’s really upsetting to feel. Like what you do doesn’t matter. But it’s just a feeling. You give so much and mean so much to everyone,” she squeezes his shoulder for reassurance.

She remembers how the books said not to simply say ‘why,’ or yes or no questions. She went with, 

“Can you tell me why you think you need to fix everything? I mean, that’s a lot for one person. It’s a lot to put on yourself.”

“Heh,” Steven exhales. “I guess it is. But I’m the only one who can do it, and I just fucked everything up so bad because I was ignoring how fucked up I am.”

Connie flinches at the cursing, which was terribly unlike her mild mannered Steven. Though, she was unaware of his frequent anger outbursts. He hid that from her, and no one else thought it was anything worth discussing. They dismissed it like they always dismissed him when he was the one needing help.

“Just like everyone else does,” Steven adds with the thought, then continues. “I did this to myself and I don’t even care what happens to me anymore,” his voice breaks.

“What—“

Steven lifts the hem of his shirt. In the partial moonlight, she makes out the patches of purple circling his gem. As she processes what she is looking at, the patches spread another few inches outward. 

“Steven! Your gem! What’s happening?!” She gasps.

Steven seemingly ignores her question. Dodging the simple answer because he doesn’t want to voice the reality. He is still dissociated from it as is. 

“I was so desperate to put the past behind me. To fix everything, that I started looking for, and even creating problems to cope with the fact that I have no future. I’m always going to be tied to the past. To her. And all the awful stuff she did.”

Connie’s heart pounds as his whole stomach turns into purple reptilian scales. She glances at Steven’s face, and she makes out the corners of a twisted smile.

“Steven we need to get the gems!” She tugs on his jacket, but he doesn’t budge. He just keeps talking as if she isn’t even there. 

He’s not talking to her at all. He doesn’t even really know she’s there anymore.

“I can’t do the one thing I’m good at because I let all this anger and hatred build up until I was just...a monster. All because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I have a problem, because I’m supposed to be the one who fixes problems.”

Connie makes out a moonlit, glistening tear rolling down his cheek, and it rolls over a patch of scaly purple forming on his chin. 

She hears him gasp softly, and then hiss in pain. 

He raises his head and turns to her, and for the first time she could see his face, and it’s as purple patches grow across his skin and horns poke out from his jaw and hairline. 

His eyes are full of tears, and yet there is a sense of humor and contentment behind them. Wide and unblinking, full of terror, but mostly an appreciation of irony and nihilistic resignation. 

“I was stupid,” he whispers. “So stupid.”

With that, he doubles over in pain and screams and screams and  _ roars _ . And roars. 

It echoes into the night as his body changes. Some of it painless with a glow of light morphing his size into something much larger, and sometimes with roars of agony as his body contorts and grows new additions. 

But most of the agony isn’t even from that, but from his own pitiful emotional pain and traumatic memories all being felt at once. 

He grows in front of her, and she’s transfixed as Lion drags her away by the collar of her shirt. 

“STEVEN!” She screams as Lion takes her far from the site of Steven Universe’s corruption.


End file.
